It has been three and a half months since Bronwyn has been gone, and I find myself in a complex sea of emotion. As time has passed, I have gradually become more accustomed to the pain that is Bronwyn's absence. But at the same time, the longer I live without her, the more deeply I miss her. So the acute pain has lessened, but the ache has spread. It's as if I'm afraid of losing Bronwyn all over again through the transitions of my emotions. I have found it immensely helpful to remind myself that Bronwyn will always and forever be a part of my biology, my psychology, and my way of relating to the world. She will never be lost to me.
Oh Honey! You are on my mind so much. I think this blog is a great idea. I wish I could save you the hurt and pain. Quinton and I have been talking about death recently as it relates to his own personal fears and b/c he has a friend whose sister died as a toddler. Keep sharing your story and I promise to keep listening!
ReplyDeleteThanks, honey. Glad to have you here, listening. I remember being afraid of death when I was Quinton's age: specifically, that my Mom would die. I had plenty of nightmares about it that I still vividly remember. It's tough to be little and vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteYou will never lose her, but you will lose the sharpness of the pain, and the maelstrom of emotions will settle and leave you changed. My son died 23 years ago and I am who I am because of his life and because of his death. He is an ever present part of my family's life and my husband and I often share tears, or a feeling, sometimes even a smile, whose depth of meaning is understood only by us. We are better people because of him, more compassionate, more given to express our love, kinder. Would I rather be a lesser person and have my son with me? I really cannot answer. What I have no doubt of is that Bronwyn's prescence and her absence will both change your world and make your world new and strange, but she will always be a part of that world.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. I have no words to comfort you, sweet woman...just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you.
Thank-You, Mimi, for your kindness. I appreciate every positive thought.
ReplyDeleteRose; that's exactly right. I am forever a better person for having had Bronwyn in my life. I miss her terribly still!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are using your blog power to create this new journal. I appreciate your thoughts so much on how you process your grief and loss. (It tells me you are O.K. and I need to know that!) I too am struggling with grief and loss over a daughter, but for a different reason...she lives, but does not speak to me. It is like a death, a limbo death. It is also such a great learning, growthful possibility for both of us. So I started another blog journal to explore this strange, painful journey. When I did, I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, it is so personal. When I read that you are now also blogging about your grief and pain, I took heart. I feel more sure of my decision now. You can get to my grief log from my blog home page, it is "and stormcloud" in my list of blogs I follow. I'll come visit you here again, and I'll bring tea and my hankie and stay awhile.
ReplyDeleteOh Julia. I am so sorry to hear about your own loss... and I'm glad that you're writing about it. I think so many people experience grief without talking about it, which is fine, but there's just such a stigma around it for some reason. Anyway, I'm glad that you're here. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteDear Colleen, It's good that you have designated a special place to be able to talk openly about Bronwyn's life, and death, and your unfolding and ever expanding journey. I promise to always listen. I think of you so often and deeply admired the way you tenderly, lovingly, courageously, and honestly embrace all aspects of life, from the small and often overlooked, to the big and often feared. Such a gift you give to us by sharing. Thank you. xo
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely blog for you to start. So many others will be helped by your story. No mother every finds closure or "moves on" after the death of a child. It changes your life forever, but you do go on, as we all do, each day another step on this new path, people with memories. You are brave and strong, and have helped so many.
ReplyDeleteColleen, I can't pretend to know what you are going through but I hope to be a friend that listens, and I wish you a safe journey through your very sad loss of beautiful Bronwyn.
ReplyDeleteOh my Dears, It's so good to have such marvelous listeners. Thank-You.
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