The More That Time Goes By, The Longer It Has Been

It has been three and a half months since Bronwyn has been gone, and I find myself in a complex sea of emotion. As time has passed, I have gradually become more accustomed to the pain that is Bronwyn's absence.  But at the same time, the longer I live without her, the more deeply I miss her.  So the acute pain has lessened, but the ache has spread. 

Additionally, as the relationship to my pain shifts, so does the way that I relate to Bronwyn now.  Instead of being haunted by her final days in the hospital, I remember more of the whole of her life, and the happy moments that we shared.  Of course this is natural, and a positive part of the grief process.  But I find that it also introduces a whole new element of grief; I grieve for the passing of the old way that I was relating! 

It's as if I'm afraid of losing Bronwyn all over again through the transitions of my emotions.  I have found it immensely helpful to remind myself that Bronwyn will always and forever be a part of my biology, my psychology, and my way of relating to the world.  She will never be lost to me.